There is Always a Middle

The sun rose above me, as I hiked up Mount Sanitas in Boulder, Colorado. Alone I ascended, and I reflected on how I had covered up my true feminine self for nearly three decades.

My two books that await a Publisher, “I Dared to Ask” (my memoir) and “Dare to Ask” (a personal guide written for you), cover my painful journey and metamorphosis back to my authentic Self.

For now I share a part of my life’s journey with you.

Let me introduce my life guide and mentor, my grandmother, an athletic, outspoken and spiritual woman who was tough on me. What I admired about her was her ability to listen to another’s point of view. Don’t get me wrong, she put up a feisty debate when presenting her view, but she allowed space for another’s truth without shifting from hers. That’s what I loved about her the most.

When I think of my grandmother I always return to these memories:

I was 2 years old and my grandparents were coming over for a family meal. My mother kept begging me to put on a dress before my grandparents arrived. Being the only daughter with four brothers, my parents wanted me to look pretty.

From an early age I wanted nothing to do with being a girl, so I was adamant that wearing a dress was not going to happen. However, my mother promised me chocolate if I put on a dress. With this new information, I agreed.

Though the moment my little hands had shoved the chocolate down my eager mouth, I promptly asked her if I could take the dress off. This was clearly how I understood our agreement.

When my parents said, “no,” I started to cry and protest. I was still sobbing when my grandparents arrived. Imagine the scene. My pretty dress streaked with tears and chocolate.

Upon hearing the story, and aware of my determined soul, my grandmother suggested that my parents find an alternative to the word, “no,” for me. She understood my truth and how it could lay aside my parents truth.

As shared in my first featured blog, my soul had been at war with my father for many years. From the time I left home at 17, my father and I had little communication outside of fighting. At 21, the fighting was out of control, and I felt that I couldn’t take another fight.

At this juncture to adulthood, I had already stared death in the face seven times, flunked out of University twice and was lost on every possible level. I knew I needed help, so I decided to put myself into therapy. It was here that I became intrigued with the behavior of humans, their souls and their life journeys.

Celebrating this milestone 21st birthday at a lunch with my Grandmother, I told her of my choice to see a therapist. She gifted me with these words.

“Jacqueline I cannot apologize to you for your father. He is my son after all and I love him, even though I readily admit that at times I do not like or respect him. But my child I want to say this to you. On the day God made you he was determined to piss your father off and all I can say is he did a fine job………..”

In my early 30’s my soul was tired of my father’s constant abuse and bullying. The shouting, swearing and threats of shame had to stop. I wanted to live with my soul exposed and in all of my truth. I knew something had to change.

I went back to therapy and found the courage to draw my boundaries. I told him that I would never allow him to shout or swear at me again. We stopped all contact.

As I travelled my adult life, it was challenging to balance my childhood suffering with my adult suffering. There was so much that I needed to face within myself: my shadow, my ego, my inner critic and the silent prayers of my inner child. As I evolved I could see that I was no different than my father; a soul finding my way of being in this world. I could even see where our dark sides aligned. It was with this awareness that I Dared to Ask myself to Change.

My memoir shares the courageous journey my soul took to face my own inner darkness and open to all of my light, as I Dared to Ask myself to change my relationship with the negative stories that I had been carrying since girlhood.

My relationship with my suffering had toughened me to the point where I was both physically and emotionally numb. Not only could I not feel, but also I could not see parts of myself, my way of being and how this affected others.

Through fostering the courage to finally stand and look at myself (both internally and externally), I was able to look at all the parts of myself, including all the parts that I had hidden from the world. This helped me return to my authentic, feminine Self.

I finally heard myself, could see myself and could access the courage to live a life true to myself without judgment of my philosophies or ways of being.

As I looked and saw all that I had hidden from myself, and the world, I cried and embraced all of my external and internal beauty.

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Truth

I dared to ask.
I dared to look.
I dared to listen.
I dared to change.

… Jacqui Burnett
Copyright© Jacqui Burnett 2013

As a Spiritual Revolutionary, Jacqui Burnett Dares you to reboot your Spirit, to awaken your body, mind and soul, to Be Love in all that you Believe, Think, Say and Do.

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Showing 9 comments
  • Samantha Robson
    Reply

    Thank you xxx

    • Jacqui Burnett
      Reply

      Dear Samantha,

      You gratitude is embodied, filling me with joy.

      Warm love and regards
      Jacqui

  • steve andrews
    Reply

    Dear Jacqui
    thank you for your courageous revelations on your postings. I feel very lucky to part of your circle of friends.
    Please take care,
    Steve Andrews (Toronto)

    • Jacqui Burnett
      Reply

      Dear Steve,

      Your ability to share with me as a friend, has taught me so much. I remain grateful for your open soul.

      Warm love and regards
      Jacqui

  • Joey koffman
    Reply

    I love your message that you sharing Jacqui – Your book WILL be published sooner rather than later –
    That is and was the purpose of your story , so that you could heal , evolve and share with the whole world –

    Give thanks now for it has Already been decided –

    Love and Light my Soul Sister

    • Jacqui Burnett
      Reply

      Dear Joey,

      Thank you for your support.

      Sharing my story is difficult for me, and more so for my family, as sharing shame and guilt is not aligned with their life philosophies.

      I have received many messages from people saying it is as if I am in their heads. We all suffer and no matter our suffering it is not the size or the nature of the trauma, it is how we hold onto the emotions we have with the relationship that we have with our stories, that binds us in suffering.

      In this attachment we give up our freedom to choose how we respond to these events.

      As a friend, who challenges my thinking deeply, wrote to me just this weekend. “It is going to be a rocky road ahead with your family, but know many are gaining from your voice ………….……… but you can only pray that one day they will realize that your intention was for healing and not to hurt.”

      Sharing my story is one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I have had to find courage to share my story no matter the challenges I face in light of this choice.

      My intention for sharing is to help others find their voice, so thanks for seeing this.

      Please know I do not question my parents’ love for me, no matter their moment-to-moment choices in their lives, as I have always loved them.

      I look forward to hearing from you again soon.

      Warm love and regards
      Jacqui

  • Gill
    Reply

    You inspire me x

    • Jacqui Burnett
      Reply

      Dear Gill,

      It takes watching people we love and admire the most live in their truth, to find the courage to live in our own.

      Everyone who touches our lives is a teacher – if we are courageous enough to see what they offer.

      I always regarded this my greatest strength in my business life. I listened closely to all of my staff, even those that swept the factory floor.

      My greatest surprise was in realizing that I was not listening to myself in my personal life.

      So I continue to learn and continue to grow. I know well what you have taught me. I thank you for this.

      Warm love and regards
      Jacqui

  • Jacqui Burnett
    Reply

    Hi all – your comments have not come through until now (technical hiccup) – I will respond to everyone this week. Thank you for taking the time to comment, question and or share.
    As always warm love and regards
    Jacqui

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