Can I Trust You?

On Sunday I returned from a 10 day silent Vipassana meditation retreat. Before departing, I felt that everything in my life was drama-free. Good things seemed to be flowing into my life, including a new romantic love. I was excited on the drive back feeling that more of this beauty was to come. Within less than 12 hours of returning I was challenged with a painful situation that saw me having to dig deep to access the courage to Be Love.

That evening I was asked by this new man, let’s call him Andrew, to trust him. He felt that he needed to first continue a relationship with another for a while longer, let’s call her Sally, before he brought it to a close as he’d made a commitment to her and wanted to honour that. Andrew had met Sally just a few weeks before me, and just before my departure he told me I was the one he wanted to be with. This was wonderful news to me as I really liked him a lot. He affirmed this on my return, saying he was in love with me and did not feel this way about Sally. However, he needed me to agree to him continuing to see Sally for a while as if I did, he said, there would be a reward for me at the end. My reward would be that he would ‘be mine’.

This confused me. My value system is such that I do not want a man I was with to be continuing a relationship (even if only to end it gently) with another woman if she did not also know about me.

But oh how my human egotistical self loves a reward as much as the next person, yet I also know that this kind of ego fix is just an addiction to make the shit we do seem okay.

I was so tempted as I desperately wanted this reward, in fact I would have moved mountains for this reward, but was I ready to compromise on my own value system to earn this reward?

At first I allowed it to flow, trying to convince myself that Andrew’s request was not ‘that bad’ and well, it would be just a ‘little disrespectful’ and Andrew would only be telling a ‘little lie’, so why not go with it as the reward at the end was EXACTLY what I wanted and dared to ask the Universe for.

I tried to fall asleep, but couldn’t as my Spirit to Be Love was being pulled in many directions. So at 5 am I got up, meditated for 30 minutes and then took myself into a deep contemplative space of love for both myself, Andrew and Sally. At the end of this period I knew I would tell Andrew that I could not support his request. This was extremely hard for me as it required me to end all contact with Andrew in order to honour my Self-worth. As my ‘reward’ walked away, I turned away and did not look back, knowing that no matter the pain I was feeling the true reward was myself and the courage to stay connected to Being Love.

I believe that Andrew is a good, beautiful human. Andrew is merely making choices based on his own personal narrative and as a result of his personal journey. I needed to make my choice based on my narrative and my story. While our beliefs were in conflict I could still find love for all three of us by opening the space between us. I have sacrificed so much for my writing and spreading the word to Be Love and yet at the moment of delivering my choice to Andrew, my heart broke. I was so tempted to let my ego win and abandon myself yet again for another.

As we all know, pain and happiness are transitory. Yet being faced with the gift of this very painful choice I have not had to surrender joy. Joy can be found even in moments of pain. When we can Be Love for ourselves, we can truly Be Love for others.

I have learned from my past that Being Love when faced with difficult decisions requires a lot more courage than letting my ego justify behaviour that I don’t support. My courage didn’t come from my belief that we should Be Love in all that we think, say and do, it came from not doubting this.

As the day passed I admit I felt anger, pain, resentment, frustration and even shed a tear or two. The next morning as I sat on my meditation cushion I reflected on my Vipassana teachings that remind us that when we feel the pain, we need simple breath into it, and ‘Start Again’. By the time I got off my cushion I had my usual spring in my step as I realized it was not about trusting Andrew, it was about trusting myself. By respecting myself it is easy to respect others and know that I am enough. I knew in that moment it was more than just believing this to be Truth, it was knowing that there was no doubt that Truth lives in Being Love in all that we believe, think, say and do.

So as we all continue this journey to Be Love, take time to stop and notice the choices you make knowing that even the hard ones, when honest and filled with love, are kind and don’t require us to abandon joy.

Warm love and regards,

This piece is dedicated to Amanda, Gerard, Jill, Petrus, Gavin and Wayne. Thank you for being my family and having my back.

15 Responses

  1. Aye Jacqueline , you wrote this so well! Your writings mean so much. You have allowed me as a reader to really dive into
    ” being love “. I now can get over the few resentments left, and all the new ones pretty quickly just by ” being love ” Sometimes as this new reading says to me not doubting
    ” being love” is truly the way. It can and will be hard sometimes. Truly believe this will help anyone who reads your writings. I say thank you
    Jacqui for this and all your writings, just hope and pray that you are joyful!

    1. Hi Russell,
      You have been on my mind a lot lately as I haven’t posted since January, and as such a loyal supporter of my writing, well I have missed our interaction.
      I have been hard at work completing my book and now that the hardest part of that is behind me I will be back to my blogging etc. I will also start to seek an agent and publisher for my book from next month, so do hold thumbs for me.
      Russell, trust me, honesty is often not easy, and it was very very hard for me to take and follow through on this decision. But as the next in-breath comes, so we alone can make the next day as magical as the day before a moment of pain, if we simply breath out and into the next moment of beauty.
      Stay connected, stay daring, stay awesome, and when unsure of anything in this world, BE LOVE!
      Warm love and regards always,

    1. Hi Susan,
      So believe it or not my book is finally through final production 🙂 and I often remembered your encouragement and the thought to remain right with my word and the world. So a big thank you, I pray I have achieved this.
      If your interested, herewith a link to my book. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1990983928?pf_rd_r=PKX1PZFHB0559SWXV1A2&pf_rd_p=edaba0ee-c2fe-4124-9f5d-b31d6b1bfbee
      Warmest love and regards, and thanks again,

  2. “My courage didn’t come from my belief that we should Be Love in all that we think, say and do, it came from not doubting this”… Well said. Thanks for sharing all of this with us Jacqui,food for thought on how me make and accept our choices in our lives.

  3. Hi Jacqui its Russell and seems like you don’t do e-mails no more. So I was wondering if I could get the titles of your books and where to purchase them. Thanks and bunches of love!

    1. Hi Russell, I confess that I think of you often.
      Life threw me a few curve balls and I am happy to say I am back at my desk writing. I have just finished a new Blog that will be emailed out later this week.
      You can read it on …… https://wordpress-635231-2491009.cloudwaysapps.com/time-to-quit-again/
      I plan to have my first book published this year and promise to keep you informed – but I will be back writing my Blog regularly again – so please do stay on touch. I miss my readers as much as I missed my writing.
      Thank you for staying in touch and reaching out – it was fabulous inspiration, and a reminder to get me back at my desk tp write …. feeling the Love Russell, feeling the Love!
      Warm love and regards. With gratitude for your support.

  4. I am listening and wonderful to hear from you! I admire how your truth leads to love. You are so correct that life throws us curve balls and we were never promised that life wouldn’t. Sure have missed you mostly because you’re opening me to next levels of myself and others of becoming love. You Jacqui are among my favorite people. Keep on Rocking! This winter is extremely harsh yet I am so grateful and humble that it has really opened me up to being love. Thanks for checking in and can hardly wait for your book!

    1. Thank you for the kind words Russell.
      Stay warm and stay connected to Love.
      I am off to the French Alps for three weeks to frolic in the mountains and seep myself in nature for inspiration.
      Warm love and regards,

  5. Great to hear about your journey with Mother Earth in the alps. Been there in Austria in the fall and climbed high for two weeks and beautiful it was. Nature is my best friend and I am meant to be with Mother Earth. For so many reasons it would take days or months to explain. Short version when treated with respect and humility it is love! Clears your head, fills me with gratitude and serenity knowing I can become one and love when I open my eyes and follow my heart. Safe journey my friend, Russell

    1. Hi Russell,
      My time in the French Alps was ‘addictive’ to say the least. Always hard to come down the mountain after being there for a few months.
      What made this trip extra special was that I got to spend a week with my 78-year-old mother above the tree line.
      Coming all the way from South Africa this was her first time at these altitudes in the thick of the snow.
      We played like children the entire week, making snow angels and skiing (yes mom went tandem skiing). We laughed so much our bellies ached.
      My mother has the capacity to see joy and magic in the smallest things and knowing I might not have decades left to learn from her, I plan to learn as much as I can before she decides to leave this life.
      Thanks for checking in. Chat soon.
      Warm love and regards always, Jacqui.

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