On Sunday I returned from a 10 day silent Vipassana meditation retreat. Before departing, I felt that everything in my life was drama-free. Good things seemed to be flowing into my life, including a new romantic love. I was excited on the drive back feeling that more of this beauty was to come. Within less than 12 hours of returning I was challenged with a painful situation that saw me having to dig deep to access the courage to Be Love.
That evening I was asked by this new man, let’s call him Andrew, to trust him. He felt that he needed to first continue a relationship with another for a while longer, let’s call her Sally, before he brought it to a close as he’d made a commitment to her and wanted to honour that. Andrew had met Sally just a few weeks before me, and just before my departure he told me I was the one he wanted to be with. This was wonderful news to me as I really liked him a lot. He affirmed this on my return, saying he was in love with me and did not feel this way about Sally. However, he needed me to agree to him continuing to see Sally for a while as if I did, he said, there would be a reward for me at the end. My reward would be that he would ‘be mine’.
This confused me. My value system is such that I do not want a man I was with to be continuing a relationship (even if only to end it gently) with another woman if she did not also know about me.
But oh how my human egotistical self loves a reward as much as the next person, yet I also know that this kind of ego fix is just an addiction to make the shit we do seem okay.
I was so tempted as I desperately wanted this reward, in fact I would have moved mountains for this reward, but was I ready to compromise on my own value system to earn this reward?
At first I allowed it to flow, trying to convince myself that Andrew’s request was not ‘that bad’ and well, it would be just a ‘little disrespectful’ and Andrew would only be telling a ‘little lie’, so why not go with it as the reward at the end was EXACTLY what I wanted and dared to ask the Universe for.
I tried to fall asleep, but couldn’t as my Spirit to Be Love was being pulled in many directions. So at 5 am I got up, meditated for 30 minutes and then took myself into a deep contemplative space of love for both myself, Andrew and Sally. At the end of this period I knew I would tell Andrew that I could not support his request. This was extremely hard for me as it required me to end all contact with Andrew in order to honour my Self-worth. As my ‘reward’ walked away, I turned away and did not look back, knowing that no matter the pain I was feeling the true reward was myself and the courage to stay connected to Being Love.
I believe that Andrew is a good, beautiful human. Andrew is merely making choices based on his own personal narrative and as a result of his personal journey. I needed to make my choice based on my narrative and my story. While our beliefs were in conflict I could still find love for all three of us by opening the space between us. I have sacrificed so much for my writing and spreading the word to Be Love and yet at the moment of delivering my choice to Andrew, my heart broke. I was so tempted to let my ego win and abandon myself yet again for another.
As we all know, pain and happiness are transitory. Yet being faced with the gift of this very painful choice I have not had to surrender joy. Joy can be found even in moments of pain. When we can Be Love for ourselves, we can truly Be Love for others.
I have learned from my past that Being Love when faced with difficult decisions requires a lot more courage than letting my ego justify behaviour that I don’t support. My courage didn’t come from my belief that we should Be Love in all that we think, say and do, it came from not doubting this.
As the day passed I admit I felt anger, pain, resentment, frustration and even shed a tear or two. The next morning as I sat on my meditation cushion I reflected on my Vipassana teachings that remind us that when we feel the pain, we need simple breath into it, and ‘Start Again’. By the time I got off my cushion I had my usual spring in my step as I realized it was not about trusting Andrew, it was about trusting myself. By respecting myself it is easy to respect others and know that I am enough. I knew in that moment it was more than just believing this to be Truth, it was knowing that there was no doubt that Truth lives in Being Love in all that we believe, think, say and do.
So as we all continue this journey to Be Love, take time to stop and notice the choices you make knowing that even the hard ones, when honest and filled with love, are kind and don’t require us to abandon joy.
Warm love and regards,
This piece is dedicated to Amanda, Gerard, Jill, Petrus, Gavin and Wayne. Thank you for being my family and having my back.