I Tried to Hate You!

I’ve never understood why, when two people have a disagreement or break up, that they feel the need to ‘block’ each other, whether on their phones, or Facebook or on some other forum. However, recently I felt hurt by something someone did and, supported by those who love me, I decided this was the route to take; to block them!

And oh boy, did I fail at it.

I only lasted 12 days and each of those 12 days was excruciating.

Why?

The authentic Spirit of Love, the Spirit that we all are, couldn’t find any good reason for me be this rigid and inflexible about anyone, let alone someone whose well-being I truly care about. I realized that I was projecting, and ‘blocking’ the person was not the solution to dealing with my feelings.

What was the turning point for me?

Last Friday it was this person’s birthday. Based on my decision to cut this person out of my life, I was determined not to send them good wishes for their birthday. I wanted to punish them. However, I noticed that I was the one who was suffering instead. My suffering took the form of anger as I wanted this person to behave differently. I followed the thoughts in my mind to find the internal conflict. I had created a very black and white version of how I thought I should behave, versus what I was really feeling on a cellular level. My mind’s narrative was in conflict with my feelings.

While I was washing the dishes that evening I quietly allowing myself to watch my conflicting stories.

I realized that I had made the decision not to send this person birthday wishes from my mind; I was allowing my ego to hook my soul into defending and justifying my decision. I know, crazy, right. So I paid attention to my feelings and realized I, the Spirit of who we all are, actually really wanted this person to have a wonderful birthday and a year ahead rich with blessings, as when fully connected with Love, I wish this for everyone.

I Dared to Ask the Universe / God for guidance. Within minutes I received this message.

This is what it said.

‘The easiest way to avoid let-downs and disappointments, Jacqui, is…

No, it’s not lowering your standards. That’s quitting.

No, it’s not releasing expectations. That’s an old wives’ tale.

And no, it’s not relinquishing all mortal desires. That’s an ancient religion.

Jacqui, it’s never tricking yourself into thinking that your happiness is dependent upon the things and events of time and space, or what other people think, say, and do.

So go ahead, aim high, expect a miracle, and want it all…
The Universe’

Well, this just confirmed that my thinking was not serving how I felt and I was getting tricked by my ego as it locked me into the stories my mind was determined to cling on to. And then I remembered the wise saying ‘Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. – Buddha’

In that moment I collapsed with laughter, yes at myself! I could feel my entire body filling up with joy from head to toe as my Spirit squeezed any residual negative thoughts out of my body, out of my mind and out of my soul.

I allowed the truth of Love / God / Universe to settle throughout my being as I took myself to my meditation cushion for 20 minutes. Once grounded I contacted this person and wished them a happy birthday and a year ahead rich with blessings.

The process of acceptance for ‘what is’ really isn’t easy for us human beings of soul, mind and body, but when we go deep into the Spirit of who we all are, the Spirit of love, well then it really is all rather simple. I practice this every day, I write about this, I teach this and still beautiful loving human beings come into my life to unravel me, only to see me fall onto my knees once again to teach me that it is okay to be messy. When we can hold a deep vulnerable space for our messiness, we can stand up again, be honest with ourselves and all others. When we can be this honest, we do not have to hide or fear who we are. With both our dark and light aspects in full view of those who matter to us, we can reconnect with our individual Spirit, access courage and not doubt that we are enough.

So as we continue this journey to Be Love, take time to stop and notice if you are working from doubt, justification, defensiveness or the unhealthy ego. Are you allowing your true feelings to rise? Can you watch them, feel them, and then listen to whatever it is they are here to teach you? When calm and grounded, can you then move forward with love and honesty for ‘what is’, yourself and all others? And if you get it wrong or are in doubt, simply start again and love yourself and ‘what is’ more than ever.

Warm love and regards,
Jacqui

If you are interested in getting notes from the Universe, google Mike Dooley’s Notes from the Universe. His sharing is fabulous and inspirational.